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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25049452">Can death be sleep, when life is but a dream?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honey_Rae_Pluto/pseuds/Honey_Rae_Pluto'>Honey_Rae_Pluto</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Queen (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coma, Coma Roger, Hospitals, Hurt, Hurt Roger Taylor (Queen), Implied Mpreg, Love, M/M, Mpreg, Sad, Sad Brian May</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:41:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,358</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25049452</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honey_Rae_Pluto/pseuds/Honey_Rae_Pluto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A car crash leaves pregnant Roger comatosed and Brian is left to pick up whatever pieces are left after that, as well as looking after their daughter as an only parent.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brian May/Roger Taylor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello all!</p><p>I'd like to thank @softnsquishable for beta reading, it really helped! This will likely only be a one chapter event unless there is considerable want for a continuation, but I'm as always happy to answer stuff on my Tumblr @Honey-Rae-Pluto if anyone wants to drop by.</p><p>Without too much preamble, I hope you enjoy reading this and comments are always welcome</p><p>Xxx</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Bonnie, say goodbye to Mama now,” Brian held the toddler out so she could kiss Roger’s cheek, her little hands holding onto his face; not wanting to let go. She took after him like that, always clinging on. “It’s time to go home.”</p><p>The hospital always seemed to be buzzing, even these rooms where no noise was ever made. Sobbing perhaps. But it still felt dead silent. Dead wasn’t the right word.</p><p>He pulled Bonnie back against his chest - she had no idea what was going on, probably she wouldn’t ever remember this.</p><p>She would never remember her mama.</p><p>***</p><p>He thought back to the day it had happened; a perfect sunny day - rare for mid October. He had some meetings about the production on some of his songs and Roger had left before him to head to an interview. Really it was a last minute rush to get all the ends tied before they took time away to concentrate on their family.</p><p>Their little girl was due at the start of December, a perfect Christmas bundle Roger had called it. Brian had painted the nursery in pale green and yellow, and stuck little glow in the dark stars up on the blue ceiling while Roger decided on little toy cars that she’d be too young for, but that looked like their full sized counterparts.</p><p>‘She HAS to learn about Alphas and Mercedes from someone,’ Roger had poked him with the sonogram, ‘No chance you’ll know. Beau needs her mum to tell her.’</p><p>Roger had taken to the pregnancy surprisingly well, despite a few angry tears once he couldn’t drum to standard (his own standard that he set ridiculously high, as far as Brian was concerned), he’d adjusted happily to preparing for his new role and having a little one to love.  It was all going so well, so perfectly well.</p><p>It wasn’t to last.</p><p>Brian distinctly remembered Jobby’s face when he came back into the studio from answering the phone. He remembered wondering if the roadie perhaps felt ill, or if he just looked oddly pale in the lighting. Brian remembered hearing silence after some words he couldn’t make out, Freddie rushing out of the next chair and coming back after a while. He didn’t understand, had something happened?</p><p>The guitarist’s world was fuzzy from then on, like none of the words were connected, all he could hear was the high whine of the amp in the distance nearby. Everything was in the distance nearby.</p><p>He could see Freddie shaking him, pulling him out of the chair, but he didn’t feel it. He knew the car they were in was moving and that it did so for hours and hours as they made the twenty minute drive to the hospital. He could feel himself walking through the wards, but couldn’t fathom a reason why. It was like someone else was in control and all he heard was snippets.</p><p>“Head-on impact.”</p><p>“Cranial damage.”</p><p>“ICU, the baby can still be saved.”</p><p>“Brain damage.”</p><p>“Comatose.”</p><p>Had someone been in an accident? That was sad, but it didn’t have anything to do with them.</p><p>Brian followed Freddie around blindly, “Mate, I better get back home, Roger won’t like it if I’m late.” He looked at the time, it was well past the time he was meant to be home, Roger would be making dinner, impatiently looking out the window for the car, tutting at him as soon as he entered the door.</p><p>“...Darling, no.”</p><p>Why did Freddie sound so sad? Why was everyone just staring at him? Why was Roger’s mum there too?</p><p>Then it clicked... Roger wouldn’t be at home waiting for him.</p><p>He would never be at home again.</p><p>***</p><p>Reality hit Brian like a bus, and he learnt quickly that ‘lucky’ had a very different meaning in this context. Lucky didn’t mean that he’d dodged death completely and would make a full recovery in time for their daughter to arrive. Lucky didn’t mean that they could move on and forget about this, even laugh about it in years to come.</p><p>Lucky just meant that the impact had missed the baby bump, and that the baby wouldn’t need an immediate removal that would cause further problems. In some ways it was good, Winifred had told him while she cried into her sleeve, it was easier if they didn’t need to choose between Roger and the baby.</p><p>Brian had supposed she had a point, but he hated every second of it. They waited two weeks, just a day shy of what would’ve been the final scan, to put Roger back into surgery, a cesarean he wouldn’t be aware of.</p><p>Little Bonnie (Beau for short, they’d decided she was going to be beautiful no matter what she looked like) was tiny. She was taken to the NICU as soon as possible, hooked up to wires and machines that dwarfed her even more, either way Brian fell completely in love. He was enamoured, and couldn’t stop catching her gaze with his. It encouraged him as he talked to her, telling her how much she was loved by both him and her mama, who he’d go on about endlessly, still holding onto hope that Roger would tell her all this again himself someday. </p><p>She gave him hope where there was none, so when Freddie suggested Hope as a middle name it seemed to click.</p><p>His Bonnie Hope.</p><p>The first time he held her was in the new year. She had tiny blonde curls by then, and her eyes had stayed a bright blue, just like Roger’s. No one that new Roger could look at her without pain, almost to the point of wanting to turn away. Brian didn’t dare.</p><p>  Freddie and John had put the band on hold, visiting Brian and Bonnie every day they could. They’d stuck together like the family they were, both doting on Beau excessively and making sure Brian at least maintained his health and got some food and sleep here and there. They were also there when the six month old first met her Mama.</p><p>  She had cried when Brian set her carefully on Roger’s chest, only getting louder until she was lifted back into arms she knew.</p><p> “It’s probably the machines,” John told him. “It's breathing for him, doesn’t sound natural enough for her. He’s not animate either. Beau won’t understand yet.”</p><p> “She’ll get used to it,” Brian replied, for his own sake really, as he tried to soothe the sobbing child. His heart was breaking as he looked from the others to Roger, who truly didn’t seem lifeless at all  He couldn’t give up now.</p><p>“Roger can still wake up,” he insisted. “ It’s only been seven months. He can still pull through...I know he will.”</p><p>*****</p><p>   Two years is the limit for these sorts of things.</p><p>  Bonnie wasn’t so little anymore. She would always be a baby as far as Brian was aware, but she could walk and talk now, in her own little way of course. She knew Brian was her daddy, and she loved him, and made sure to tell him so very often, as well as show it with kisses and cuddles, which Brian always returned. </p><p>  She knew her mum was somewhere else, sleeping for a long time cause he hadn’t been well. She brought him daisies and left her special bear with him some nights. Her Uncle Freddie had helped her with some finger paints to make a series of love hearts that was on the bedside table, to remind him how much she and daddy loved him, even when they weren’t there.</p><p>  She never thought to question it. Mummy was just someone she visited. Mummy was always asleep. She didn’t know what else a mummy was for, what a mummy did besides sleeping. She was just too young.</p><p>  Sometimes Daddy would be sad. Sometimes Granny would cry. It seemed like more and more often now Daddy would be sad; His eyes were saddest, even when his mouth was smiling. Something she couldn’t understand was wrong. Her Uncle John told her it was because they wanted Mummy to wake up. </p><p>  What was Mummy like when he was awake?</p><p>  *****</p><p> Brian knew, of course, what would happen. He’d been told over the last twenty-four months exactly what would occur once it was over. There wasn’t enough brain activity and no improvements. ‘PVS’ they called it, a Persistent Vegetative State. It felt like an insult, passing Roger off like a wilted carrot. Whatever they called it, it wasn’t just persistent, it was permanent; They had to understand that they were prolonging the inevitable.</p><p> They were doing the final tests, throwing every last idea at it before they turned off the machines. Brian had signed the paperwork, Roger’s mum and sister next to him. Enough was enough now. They needed to start focusing on raising Bonnie away from the hospital, doing what Roger would want them to be doing.</p><p>  It was time to let go.</p><p>*****</p><p>  Bonnie was crying again, not wanting to leave. She must’ve sensed it would be the last time she’d see her mother. The official shut off was tomorrow, but Brian had brought her in a day early to give her last kisses. Brian didn’t want her in the room tomorrow, on the off chance she’d remember it; He didn’t want her to see Roger die.</p><p>  “Bonnie...love, you have to stop, we really have to go.” Brian tugged her away gently, pulling her back to his chest. “C’mon. Time to quiet down now.”</p><p>  Brian kissed the top of Bonnie’s head, rubbing her back softly. She was hiccuping sobs into his shirt. Brian was used to the wetness of tears and dribble, paying no mind as he settled her down. As her cries settled into shaky breathing, he shifted her to one arm, and took Roger’s hand in his.</p><p>  “Babe? I don’t know if you can hear me, or her. But I want you to know I love you, and Bonnie does too… She plays with her little toy cars all the time, just like you said she would... And she’s just like you, all blonde and blue eyes - you were right about the curls though.”</p><p>  He paused to take a breath, trying to steady himself. The inevitable tears were pricking his eyes, but his focus was still on Roger. Roger, who even in this state, was still the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.</p><p> “I’ll look after her,” he continued shakily. “I’ll tell her all about you and who you were. She’s already seen all your photos and videos, and I’ve played her every song in your collection...she’ll never forget you.”</p><p>  Now he was crying. He let himself break down, realizing now that he was saying his goodbye too. </p><p> “...I know we had so many plans, sweetheart, but it’s okay. I’ll watch over your baby, our baby.”</p><p>  Bonnie was breathing more steadily against him, probably nodding off in his arms. He stayed silent until he knew for certain she was sleeping. He knew he should leave; It was getting late and tomorrow was going to be a nightmare in it’s own right.</p><p> But he didn’t want to move.</p><p>Roger’s hand was still warm in his larger ones. He was still alive. Still living anyway.</p><p> “I don’t think you're in any pain, we were told you wouldn’t be,” he started again, “It won’t hurt. If you hear me at all, it’s okay. It’s okay to let go. Don’t feel bad… I’ll be fine too. Me and Beau will be just fine…if you’re done fighting, just go.”</p><p>  Brian let out a dry sob, bringing Roger’s knuckles up to his lips. He shuffled Bonnie again so she’d lie on Roger’s chest. Even if they were both sleeping, she’d hear his heart beating. Maybe she could remember that. </p><p>  “My heart beats like a drum,” Roger had insisted, prodding the baby’s foot. “It’s why she kicks all the bloody time. She’s a natural percussionist. She likes hearing the beat…actually, so do you and you rarely turn up on time to events.”</p><p>“First of all, rude,’ Brian had laughed. “Second of all, if what she takes from me is how much I love you, even the very beat of your heart, then I’ll be proud.”</p><p>“Can’t just say “I love you”, can you?” Roger smiled back. “Always got to overcomplicate it.”</p><p>  Faintly he noticed the big light in the corridor go off, but it didn’t matter. He closed his eyes and for just a flicker of a moment he was home. Roger was napping on the couch with their girl, some boring film on, while he played with Roger’s fingers. He could hear the soft tutting of his love at his actions; He always got told off for it.</p><p>   “It’s annoying,” Roger would whine, flicking his knuckles. “It’s like you can’t help but strum something.”</p><p> Brian couldn’t help but smile at the memory. It was vivid enough that he swore he could feel Roger try to move his fingers out of the way. He wondered if he could ever forget something like that himself.</p><p>  Brian slowly opened his eyes. By now tears travelled freely down his face. He straightened up, looking down at his love again.</p><p>  “Goodbye, Rog,” he told him, leaning over to press his lips to Roger’s. He let their foreheads touch, his tears falling onto the blond’s cheeks.</p><p>  “I love you… I-I love you, b-baby… I love you.”</p><p>  Brian held them both, bawling soundlessly into the crook of Roger’s neck. He’d gone through all the stages of grief by now, and so far his least favorite was definitely acceptance. For all it was worth, Roger had died two years ago. It had just taken him till now to understand, and to let go. </p><p>  He’d let go as much as he ever would. He knew himself he’d never be able to write it in water. He didn’t want to either. Letting it fade didn’t feel right.</p><p>But he let go of all that wasn’t memory.</p><p>And in that second he was held in place.</p><p>Fingers tightened around his.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Brian didn't even think when the fingers tightened around his. </p><p>He'd gone mad.</p><p>He picked Bonnie up and ran, simple as that. Like his brain was on complete shut down, running from the growing cacophony of alarms and ringing that was going on in the intensive care unit. The silent wards.</p><p>He'd stayed too long, the last working bit of his mind told him, he'd let Roger pass away with Bonnie so close. At least she wouldn't remember it, she was still asleep, or she had been; now she was sobbing nearly as much as he was, running down the drive to the car park. </p><p>But Roger was gone. And it hurt.</p><p>It really fucking hurt.</p><p>He sat in the back of the car, locking it up from the inside, keeping Beau close to his chest, trying to rock them both to sleep - someone would come and get him at some point: they’d have to start (or rather finish) the funeral arrangements, make sure everything was right. He’d have to call Win, if the hospital hadn’t already, have to empty the bedroom and office and everything in the studio.</p><p>He’d have to tell Beau, he thought finally - brain too exhausted as they cried themselves to sleep - every time she asked. She’d grow up wondering why all her friends had mummies, why they all could bond with theirs. She’d have a family of her own one day, never knowing what it was like to have a mother - perhaps only having a shell of a father too.</p><p>Brian had learnt a while ago not to let them see him break. It started off with Freddie and John; holding back the breakdowns until they'd gone and wouldn't fret over him, but it had evolved to hiding from the world. From Bonnie.</p><p>He knew what Roger would have said, all the little words and comforting gestures that he'd experienced during the lowest days on tour, the bad days were nothing seemed to go right. God he longed for those days, the world may have crumbled around him, but he still had a column of light to cling to.</p><p>Now the column had faded to dark, leaving behind a bottomless pit, baby blue eyes looking up to him.</p><p>In some dreams they were Roger's eyes, begging to be remembered, for him to have hope. In some nightmares they were hate filled and bitter and accusing.<br/>Most nights, however, they were Beau's: terrified and lonely and wanting her mama. And there was nothing he could do.</p><p>His chest ached from sobbing now, the sort of crying where one's whole throat stung and even a moment's silence was too much to bear. The sort of crying where even his tears ran dry after a few hours and he was left shaking - holding the last bit of Roger he had left while his heart shattered all over again and his mind sold itself to mercy for the sake of his soul, earning only a stinging sorrow.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>There was tapping on the window when he woke up, feeling sick to his stomach with Beau patting his face in a childish manner.</p><p>Trying to cheer him up. Those blue eyes always did... Perhaps not today.</p><p>He opened his eyes, squinting through the blurry daylight at the hospital car park, closing them again to take a moment.</p><p>He never imagined it would be a bright sunny day, that the world would even dream of spinning without Roger. But still, the birds were up early, singing their chirpy melodies, and the sweet breeze caught the pines, and life ticked over into the day.</p><p>"Papa," Bonnie tugged on his shirt, probably not the happiest with the lack of sleep and food. He'd have to do better. She was all he had left, he had to be better for her - for Roger too. "Papa, Uncle Dee."</p><p>Brian frowned, looking at her. "Uncle Deaky?"</p><p>That's when the tapping on the window began again, and - sure enough - John was there.</p><p>Begrudgingly Brian rolled the window down. He didn't mind them going to say goodbye, but he didn't want either of his remaining band mates to try to talk to him about it. Not for a long time. He hoped John would leave quickly, skip the lecture, not ask him anything. Just go.</p><p>He didn't want to hear any words at all.</p><p>"...They've been trying to find you everywhere, everyone has. Fred and Winnie are out of their minds-"</p><p>"Not today."</p><p>"Brian... Oh..." John realised, "You don't know, do you?"</p><p>"Just go. I don't want to hear how it happened."</p><p>"Brian, it didn't... He's back."</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>"Is that Beau sleeping?" John looked up at Freddie when he came back in.</p><p>"Yeah, just nodded off," he replied, settling beside him in the bed, "She keeps asking for her papa. She's scared I think."</p><p>"I'm not all that surprised, poor thing, she's grown up her whole life without a mum - not one she can actually get to know. Now her dad's just left, she probably feels abandoned."</p><p>"Poor baby. We'll give her some ice cream tomorrow," Freddie decided, altogether at a loss at how to make a child that young feel better, "I'll see if Brian can video call her for a while too, even one of the grandparents might help."</p><p>"Try, I don't like seeing her like this. Or Brian actually, did he say where he went?"</p><p>"No, no I get a text every morning so we know he's alive, but nothing else. I don't think he knows how to process it all." Freddie admitted, leaning his head on top of John's, "How is Roger? They keep saying stable followed by a load of medical jargon and none of it makes sense. He woke up right? That's him back to normal."</p><p>"He left the deep coma he was in, his body still needs time, even if he does wake up properly in the next few days, he wouldn't be able to move." John rubbed his back.</p><p>"It's been two years, over two years," Freddie pointed out, "Something's got to give."</p><p>"I just hope it's Roger waking up that gives. Otherwise we'll lose them both."</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Roger blinked up, feeling more tired than ever. He couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't really see either.</p><p>He tried to call for Brian to pass his glasses, but he couldn't. No noise came out. No movement.</p><p>This carried on for ages, hours for him - slipping in and out of consciousness. Weeks for the rest of the world, watching him slowly stay awake for longer at a time.</p><p>It felt like years for Brian, who seemed almost nocturnal now, visiting Roger several hours of the day, calling Bonnie when he could. Not much else.</p><p>He couldn't bring himself to do much else.</p><p>Eventually the fog cleared, well no - it didn't clear. But it seemed a little more transparent in places. Roger realised he wasn't at home. Brian was nearby but he couldn't interact. Occasionally he heard Brian's voice, but it was distant and blurry.</p><p>All logic and sense was gone from him, any glimmers of memory about the crash slipped from his fingers the second he thought them. Now he was just awake. <br/>Now sleeping. Now awake.</p><p>And so on.</p><p>Two months passed before he could really do anything. He could tense some muscles now, move his eyes and fingers and breath by himself. Physically he was doing well.</p><p>Mentally? It was hard to tell. Sometimes he had flickers of the crash - he knew it had happened by now. Other times there was something else, like there was a bigger bit of the puzzle missing. It wasn't something fully formed in his mind, like Brian or one of the boys. But it was there.</p><p>He had just decided to call it quits, he'd been awake almost an hour and needed to get some rest, so he closed his eyes, not even hearing the footsteps.</p><p>"...He isn't aware of anything, so this won't scare him at all," a woman's voice for sure. A nurse probably. "You can let her give him a cuddle, just watch out for any random muscle spasms."</p><p>Roger kept his eyes closed, a small frown appearing on his face while a larger confusion fell on his mind.</p><p>"Of course, we can manage from here. Thank you." That was Brian's tired voice. He knew it pretty well, the lower timbre that pinched at the politeness of the <br/>words. "Beau come on, don't be scared... Baby I'm right here."</p><p>That clicked something. Beau meant something, but he couldn't work out what. He wondered vaguely who Brian was speaking to, cooing almost like he had done to the animals at the centre. It was a tone he'd never forget. The minute he'd heard it he let his daydreams carry him off in the middle of a rescue vets - dreaming of that voice hushing their kids to sleep.</p><p>He'd never forget that daydream.</p><p>"Mumma isn't in his room anymore," a child's voice, muffled slightly and definitely said quietly to Brian, "He won't want cuddles."</p><p>"He will bonnie. Just the one," Brian tried, settling in the bedside armchair with bonnie on his lap, "For me? We can stay here after and just talk to him. How about that? You want to tell mum how much of a big girl you are now?"</p><p>"Okay..." There were small hands on his face, turning him slightly before landing somewhat hard on his chest.</p><p>Roger could hear Brian trying to tell her off, but he didn't want her to leave. He was so close to remembering something now.</p><p>It wasn't until the girl whispered "I love you mummy." Into his ear that it fell into place.</p><p>And a tear fell from his eye.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A year after waking up he went home.</p><p>It didn't look much like his home, Roger looked around him and saw toys and child gates and things that weren't even bought yet the last time he was there. </p><p>He could see the pictures on the wall of their little Beau, different ages for her life he'd missed, displayed for him to see. It was mostly Bonnie, the odd one with Brian and his mum in - but clearly Brian had been shrinking away from it all, the public too - he’d kept writing, they’d managed to finish the album and make a new one with his left over material, but never toured. If he had died would he have taken Queen with him? Would he have essentially taken Brian with him? He hoped not, but he knew the answer deep down.</p><p>"Do you want to sit on the couch?" Brian helped him in, the blond still wobbling on his crutches, legs stiff and awkward from not being used, even with the months of physiotherapy and exercise. "It's about time for Bonnie to get dinner, you too; you’ve had a long day."</p><p>Their three year old had already raced ahead, going to get her teddy's so they could meet mummy. Bonnie hadn’t really clicked on yet - this wasn’t a new friend for her, or someone her papa brought round for dinner. This new person wasn’t like her uncles, someone who would play tea parties with her and take her on the weekends when her dad was busy. She couldn’t fathom it though. Brian had tried to explain to her, this was her mum: someone that was going to live with them now, part of her life forever. More than just live with them, really, Roger was going to be actively a mum, he’d do all he could.</p><p>"Eh, sure." It wasn't his home now, was it? Roger felt like a dinner guest too, seeing into Brian’s world now - he was a dad, completely different to how he’d last seen him, while Roger had been time locked, still just Roger.</p><p>"Come on," Brian helped him to the living room, "Sorry about the mess, Beau wouldn't sit still this morning, didn't give me any time to tidy."<br/>It sounded like an excuse you'd give a guest. </p><p>"It's fine, Bri," Roger tried to keep a smile on his face, he was home, he hadn't died. This was the best thing. He was lucky.</p><p>Enough people had told him in the last year that he was so lucky, it was practically a miracle. Didn't feel lucky, he looked at Brian, already being a parent and having grieved for him. He'd changed, still loved him, but it felt like he didn't believe it was happening.</p><p>No, if he'd been lucky he would've spent the last two years helping them, his loves. Not crushing them with sadness.</p><p>"I'll make you some tea," Brian told him, "Bonnie? Beau come here and give Mummy some company, won't you?"</p><p>Roger could hear the girl coming down the stairs, running as fast as she could towards Brian, getting told off for not being careful on the steps - would he have thought of that? He had no idea how to look out for a three year old, what bits of safety he still had to know to make sure she’d be alright.</p><p>"I brought Brum," she waved a teddy dressed as a formula one driver up at him, "You said mumma likes cars."</p><p>"That's right, poppet," Brian took her hand, guiding her to the sofa, "Why don't you tell him all about Brum while I get you some juice?"</p><p>She looked between her parents, seemingly nervous. She didn't know the man in front of her, one of those dreaded strangers - she hadn’t expected her dad to be leaving the room. She didn’t know this man at all. </p><p>She'd barely seen him during the messy recovery stages. Most of the centres didn’t want children running around, and she’d started nursery anyway, whatever was left of her time Brian shielded her from the worst of it - the days Roger collapsed or had breakdowns, the steps backwards that seemed worse than the forward steps were good.</p><p>What could she recognise in him? They had the same blue eyes, same blond hair, both turned to look at Brian with the same expression of fear.</p><p>“Beau,” Brian crouched down, “You’re a brave girl, right now your mum’s trying to be brave too, can you help him for me?”</p><p>She nodded. They both loved that man - she’d trust him to be right.</p><p>"Hey…" Roger waved at her awkwardly, this was his baby, scared of him. He didn't blame her, who was he exactly? Biologically her mum, but actually? He hadn't been there, he wasn't real to her, he'd apparently stopped being real to Brian too.</p><p>He didn't know what works he'd woken up to until now.</p><p>“Brum,” she held out her toy, walking over to him, “For you to play with.”</p><p>She didn’t say much else, bringing more toys to play with herself, sitting in a corner slightly away from him and so she could see Brian in the kitchen - Roger was almost thankful when dinner was ready.</p><p>They’d have to keep trying, that’s what Brian kept telling him.</p><p>And maybe he was right, he knew Bonnie best, he knew Roger best too. Maybe he was right.</p><p>***</p><p>The next month Brian brought Bonnie back from nursery, bringing her to the table Roger was at.</p><p>"Baby, you want to help mama with the Lego?" Brian brought her over to where Roger was, weak hands trying to build up his fine motor skills again - stumbling over the large blocks until they regained their past dexterity, "Beau, come on."</p><p>"Papa," she tried to show him the Lego bricks as she was set on Roger's lap, "Red!"</p><p>"That's right, it's red love," he really hoped she would start interacting with Roger, it was breaking his heart to have them be so distant, "You help mummy now, okay?"</p><p>She looked up at him, big blue eyes matching his, "Mama."</p><p>"That's right baby," he smiled, pulling her closer, maybe things were getting better. He could finally see Brian starting to breath, and Bonnie wasn't planted to his side all the time. "I'm your mummy."</p><p>"Mummy," she held onto his hand, pressing the brick into his hand, "Ma mummy."</p><p>Brian watched from the corner of the room, smiling right to his soul as they bonded. The years weren't going to come back, but it felt like healing.</p><p>Roger was the same, kissing the top of her head, the blonde curls bobbing as she moved, the most precious thing in his eyes.</p><p>***</p><p>The next year Roger was walking by himself again, he was back to drumming, back to doing gigs with the band, back to driving (even after a few arguments with Brian - they never lasted long, he couldn’t stand the pain behind those hazel eyes for too long).</p><p>Back to normal.</p><p>“Bonnie, you’ve got everything, yeah?” Roger zipped her coat up, making sure her hair was staying in the red ribbons he’d carefully tied it up in, “You’ve got your lunch bag, yeah? And your book bag?”</p><p>“Yes mummy,” She nodded showing him the various items, “And I have my P.E kit, and my water bottle and snack.”</p><p>“Good girl… Do you have a pencil?”</p><p>“Dad bought me a pencil case, with all the different colours and a fancy disney rubber too,” Bonnie promised, putting her school bag back onto her back, “I’m ready.”</p><p>“Right, right,” Roger looked her over once more, sweet darling all smart and precious in her school uniform, “Don’t get your pinafore dirty, and if you get cold remember you’ve got a cardy in your cloakroom… oh look at you. My big girl.”</p><p>He pulled her in, letting a quick tear slip down his face, “You be good to your teachers, yeah? But if they’re wrong tell them, and if anyone upsets you twat them.”<br/>“Papa said not to.”</p><p>“Papa can be ignored, just a little.” Roger told her, “Come on, got to be on time for your first day.”</p><p>Roger took her hand, walking her down to the school gates, taking a few too many photos on his phone, sending them to Brian and his mum, to John and Crystal and anyone else who’d care.</p><p>“I’ll be here waiting when you get out, okay bobble?”</p><p>“I know, mummy.”</p><p>“Good girl, I’ll see you in a bit,” He kissed her cheek, a few tears streaming down his face, “Baby beau, love you.”</p><p>“I love you too, mummy.” She pulled him in for a hug.</p><p>Yeah, he’d lost a whole bunch of years, and it had taken a while to recover from that - but he had it all now.</p><p>Life was more than a dream could ever be.</p><p>He was wide awake.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey</p><p>So this chapter is really just a collection of scenes, might be a bit clunky but I never thought I'd make more than a one shot out of this story, so a lot of these are taken from asks and whatnot, but I hope you'll still enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"She was asking again, it's on her Christmas list now," Brian sighed, getting into bed beside him, "I've explained to her how it works, it's not like we ever used the stork story or anything."</p><p>"She's six, Brimi, she won't understand it exactly," Roger was leaning into him immediately, "Anyway, loads of her friends at school have little siblings arriving - even Freddie and John are on their second."</p><p>"Before Albie is even one yet," Brian added, "You can't call that planning."</p><p>"No, but it's something, they're in a successful band, there's plenty of money, and friends and family to support them," Roger inched further over him, "We have too."</p><p>"Yeah, I guess," Brian nodded, "Hypothetical yeah."</p><p>"So why don't we?"</p><p>"Eh?" Brian blinked at him, "I thought you'd need more time-"</p><p>"Nine months is plenty time," Roger slid the rest of the way on top of him, straddling his hips, "It's not like I ever got to cuddle my first baby."</p><p>"Roger..." He still felt sort of guilty about that, that all those moments existed for only one of them, "Fuck it, why not? It might not even happen for months."</p><p>"Good choice, if we're lucky it might even be a Christmas baby."</p><p>***</p><p>"Mum, she's kicking!" Bonnie grinned up at him, holding her hands up to his bump, "She'll be a Christmas bubba? Dad says she'll arrive on new year. Then again he says she'll be a boy."</p><p>"Beau, we don't know yet," Roger smiled, moving her hand a bit to where the baby was kicking hardest, "I think boy too."</p><p>"You must have name ideas by now," Brian wasn't much better, hands on the bump every other moment, kissing and caressing it, talking to the baby, telling him how beautiful he was. </p><p>So love sick.</p><p>"Something beginning with O, but something different," Roger told him, "I don't want an Oliver."</p><p>"Olivier?" Brian suggested, earning a glare, "Oscar? Orion?"</p><p>"No," Roger blinked at him, "I wouldn't mind a spacey one if you can find it. Just behave on the amount of syllables."</p><p>"So Andromeda is out for a girl?"</p><p>"Nothing that's going to have Freddie messaging us how to spell it every year."</p><p>"Gaia?"</p><p>"Which is?" Roger looked at him, it didn't sound too bad actually.</p><p>"I know this one," Bonnie told him quickly, "Daddy says Gaia is the other name for earth, that it means everything cause the Greek god lady was the god of everything and she was called Gaia."</p><p>Roger smiled, his heart warming up. Two curly haired space loves. Three soon he hoped.</p><p>"Do you like the name?" Brian asked Beau, "It's quite girly if it's a boy."</p><p>"You could do it as a middle name, like mine is Hope." She told him, leaning into kiss the bump where a little foot was sticking out, "Olivie Gaia. If it's a girl. Which it will be."</p><p>Roger held his face carefully, memorising all his features and the way his eyes looked almost golden in the light.</p><p>***</p><p>They fell into bed that night, even with the bump in the way they managed, now that it had been exactly seven years since the crash, somehow the mood was different this time.</p><p>It had been a while since they'd done this, hardly ever this slowly or gently; lying side by side facing each other, delicately intertwined. They moved gently as one, no particular goal except to love.</p><p>Roger pulled himself in to kiss him, the closeness was both suffocating and freeing, so much passion behind it, the years lost or damned, the children they had, the life he by all rights shouldn't be living.</p><p>"I love you," Brian kept him against his chest, half cuddling him through it all, carefully setting the slow pace, scanning over his face for any reason to stop, "All that you are and all that you've given me... I worship that."</p><p>Roger let out a quiet sob, he hadn't expected to, the sound muffled by Brian's neck. "I love you," he held him tighter still, "I love you."</p><p>***</p><p>Christmas day had worn them all out, living with a six year old was likely to do that, but even then, Roger couldn't sleep. It had gone well past midnight, the baby due in a week and seemingly unable to lie still, kicking him from the inside. Roger wondered if Beau had done the same, in the weeks she was in him, but he was in a coma.</p><p>Brian didn't talk about those three weeks, and Roger didn't ask - that part was still too raw. A lot of things were, really; Brian had been coddling him as soon as the bump had started to show, not letting him drive or be in a car for too long, barely letting him out of his sight. Roger would have found it suffocating if he didn't know why, if he didn't see Brian flinch and fidget everytime he wasn't directly looking at or touching him.</p><p>He desperately wanted this time to be better, so he just went along, planning a happier ending for the new baby - they didn't ask for the gender this time, but he thought it was another girl.</p><p>Roger glanced down at the bed next to him, Brian and Beau snoozing, both looking so gentle and cute, sometimes it made him want to cry.</p><p>There was another pain in his back, he wondered if it would be today, boxing day. Brian would be right then, he called that they'd have a boxing day boy - Bonnie agreed with him, an absolute daddy's girl still, but she had a heart full of love for her mum.</p><p>Roger smiled as Brian shuffled a little in his sleep, hand reaching for the bump, of course he hadn't let go of the bump as soon as it appeared, their daughter copying him; placing little kissies on the swell.</p><p>He smiled more at the beginning of the next pain, knowing full well if he was right he probably wouldn't be smiling in a few hours - bit for now, it seemed like his family was closer to being real.</p><p>No more nightmares as around.</p><p>***</p><p>They had the pool set up already, and filling it hasn't taken long, so Roger hadn't been initially worried.</p><p>He hadn't wanted to go anywhere near a hospital for this, he could see Brian was in two minds about agreeing with him - understandable really, but he wasn't going to go to hospital, end of story.</p><p>Roger groaned as the contraction peaked, they were so close now it was getting unbearable. But he had Brian close by, and bonnie was safe with her grandparents and this baby was - according to the midwife - perfectly safe.</p><p>"Bri…" he whimpered, leaning over the tub to bury his face in the older man's neck, "Tell me about Beau… fuck… the first few days."</p><p>The ones he never spoke about.</p><p>"Shh, babe, breath," Brian said softly, rubbing his back, "She was tiny, you know?"</p><p>Roger nodded, this was probably the only time he'd hear about this - taking his mind off of the pain.</p><p>"Did you hold her?" He asked, "You gave her loads of cuddles right?"</p><p>"I couldn't," Brian admitted, "She was in an incubator for the first month, I could only hold her hand for a while every day, she wasn't big enough to wrap her hand around my finger to begin with, all red and paper thin. She didn't look real."</p><p>"When did you first hold her?" Roger leaned back into the pool, trying to move his back. He shut his eyes, trying to imagine his little girl all wired up in a glass box, a sleep deprived Brian guarding her. He didn't feel as guilty now about the crash, about missing so much - the therapy was helping. But he wished he could've been there, just to tell them it was okay.</p><p>That it would all be okay soon,</p><p>"A while later, I hadn't wanted to - sounds silly doesn't it? I thought she'd break in my hands, thought I'd do something wrong and lose her, or that she would instinctively hate me."</p><p>"Go on…" Roger felt another contraction rip through him, but he still wanted to hear the rest - they had time, he was only at seven centimetres.</p><p>"They make you do skin to skin, tuck her into your shirt, she still had to have a breathing tube and an IV, but she still just lay there, tiny hands getting tangled in the curls, breathing so quickly I could feel it against me. I wasn't going to let her go ever again."</p><p>Roger smiled, that seemed nice. They had each other, no wonder she was such a daddy's girl - he wouldn't change that for the world.</p><p>The midwife came back in to check him then, before anything else could be said, telling them it was likely going to be in the next few hours.</p><p>Roger nodded quickly, the pain was getting worse and worse by the second, but there was something nagging him.</p><p>"Brimi… before you held Bonnie, had you ever held a baby before?"</p><p>"No," Brian shook his head, offering the blond his hands to hold onto, "No, I think that's part of what was scaring me."</p><p>"I've not…" he was cut off, breathing hard through the tightening pain, "I've not held any baby ever."</p><p>"We used to put Beau on your chest," Brian told him, "And you held her when you woke up, she was still a baby "</p><p>"She was nearly three," Roger shook his head, "And that's not holding one, not properly, I don't remember it anyway."</p><p>"You'll know what to do, I promise. The second you have this baby in your arms you'll know exactly what to do."</p><p>Roger nodded, not really believing it, but desperately hoping he was right.</p><p>***</p><p>"Roger, on the next push, reach down and grab them." The midwife told him, "They'll be out in the next one."</p><p>Roger let out a sob, he was in so much pain, everything felt ready to snap or tear or god knows, he'd been crying solidly since he'd started pushing, which had quickly turned to sobbing.</p><p>But now it felt like there was light, Brian was close by whispering little nothings into his ear, and the baby was so close, he could feel them with his hand now.<br/>He took a breath before pushing one last time, giving it everything as he felt the pain and pressure multiply tenfold.</p><p>But then it all dissipated, and the little thing was in his arms, being brought up to his chest.</p><p>"It's a girl," Brian told him, covering them with a towel, "Baby you've done it, she's here."</p><p>He could hear everything, but he was just staring at her now, his little angel, crying loudly and squirming in his arms. He heard the midwife telling him the time of birth, helping him with the afterbirth, and he knew Brian was around - cutting the cord and crying a bit.</p><p>But he couldn't take his eyes off of her.</p><p>***</p><p>"Did you think of a name?" </p><p>He was tucked up in bed now, baby still in his arms, all cleaned up and dressed in a little space ship babygrow. Just as perfect as her sister.</p><p>"What did you say for her middle name, the mythology one?" Roger turned to look at Brian, who had just been cooing over them for the last couple of hours.</p><p>"Gaia?"</p><p>"Yeah, I like that… Olivie Gaia May."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all so much for reading!</p><p>Yes this is definitely the end of the line for this particular story, I absolutely loved all your comments and patience with the update schedule. If you do want extra content my tumblr is still open for requests on this as well as everything else I've written.</p><p>A quick thank you to @softnsquishable who beta read the first chapter for me, she did a really  great job.</p><p>With Love,<br/>Pluto xxx</p>
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